4 Red Flags in Relationships You Can't Afford to Ignore

Successful relationships can be attributed to various factors, but unsuccessful ones may have even more in common. Dr. John Gottman, renowned psychologist and relationship expert, spent decades researching what makes relationships succeed or fail. Among his most significant findings is the identification of four behaviors, termed "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," that predict relationship troubles. Understanding these signs can be a vital step in navigating and improving the health of your relationship.

The four “horsemen” or most common red flags, and how you can work around them, are:

1. Criticism

Criticism, as identified by Gottman, goes beyond mere complaints or grievances. It involves attacking your partner's character or personality rather than addressing a specific behavior. Phrases that start with "You always" or "You never" are common indicators. This pattern creates an environment of negativity and defensiveness and can erode the foundations of mutual respect and understanding in a relationship.

Tip: Instead of criticizing your partner's character, focus on expressing how you feel and what you need using 'I' statements. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," try, "I feel worried when I don’t feel heard. Can we discuss this more?" By using ‘I’ statements, you give your partner the chance to respond to your feelings instead of reacting defensively to accusations or critiques.

2. Contempt

Contempt is a bigger dagger than criticism and is considered the most destructive of the four horsemen. It involves treating your partner with disrespect, mockery, sarcasm, or disdain. This behavior communicates a sense of superiority over your partner and can manifest in eye-rolling, sneering, or hurtful sarcasm. Contempt not only hurts the partner on the receiving end but also deeply damages the emotional connection between the couple. Treating someone with contempt is a deep wound to try to repair once the fight is over; it both demonstrates and creates negative feelings that go beyond the immediate disagreement.

Tip: Cultivate a relationship culture of appreciation and counteract contempt by actively focusing on and acknowledging your partner's positive qualities. Regularly sharing what you love and respect about your partner can help rebuild respect and affection. For example, saying, "I really appreciate how you handled that situation," can go a long way. And ask yourself, if I don’t respect this person, why am I in a relationship with them?

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness typically arises as a response to criticism. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, a defensive partner will make excuses, feel like a victim, or even counterattack to deflect blame. This reaction prevents effective communication and problem-solving, creating a cycle where no one takes responsibility and issues remain unresolved.

Tip: Instead of getting defensive, try to hear your partner out and take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Acknowledging even a small part of the problem can be a starting point for resolution. Saying something like, "I see your point, and I could have approached that differently," helps in de-escalating the situation. If your partner responds defensively to something you’ve said, ask yourself if there is a more generous way of phrasing your thoughts.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when a partner completely withdraws from a conflict, acting as if they are tuning out, disengaging, or giving their partner the silent treatment. It's a way of shutting down or disconnecting from the interaction. While it may be a response to feeling overwhelmed, stonewalling leaves the other partner feeling ignored and invalidated.

Tip: If you find yourself stonewalling, it's important to recognize when you're feeling overwhelmed and take a break to calm down. Gottman suggests a 20-minute break to do something soothing and distracting before returning to the conversation with a clearer, calmer mindset. You might tell your partner that the discussion is important to you, so you want to be in the right mindset for it to be productive. Ask if you can take a moment, either together or separately, to calm down and gather your thoughts before returning to the conversation.

Conclusion

Recognizing these four behaviors in your relationship is not automatically a sign of doom but an opportunity for growth and change. Gottman's research also provides strategies for combating these destructive patterns, such as learning effective communication skills, practicing empathy, and creating shared meaning together. If these signs are prevalent in your relationship, it might be beneficial to seek professional guidance or couples’ therapy. Remember, awareness is the first step towards positive change and a healthier, stronger relationship.